Tai Chi Zero, Sinister, and The Man With The Iron Fists!!!

• April 30th, 2013

Review of 2 epic martial-arts films, one produced a Eli Roth and directed by Rza, mentored by Quentin Tarantino. The Man with the Iron Fists is a 19th century revenge story with stars such A-listers such as Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu, as well as a few other familiar faces. Rza, himself is in the lead role. You can't imagine how exciting it must be to see this movie as long time fan of hip hop music and Wu-Tang. I will save the gushing for the podcast. Not bad for your first movie, Rza.

Wu-Tang Forever.

The other is Tai Chi 0, a 19th century (presumably) steam-punk martial-arts action flick, starring, erm... we sort of don't know who they are but we think they are famous elsewhere (China). The movie was so awesome that a dubbed version made its way over the sea to the United States. It was apparently shot back to back on a 220 million yuan (that's in non-U.S. dollars) budget with its sequel, Tai Chi Hero, which we shall review later as well. Despite the clever title names and the iron confidence of the film makers in its success (not many origin and sequel films shot together on the same budget before release floating around), and despite the temperament of lame reviewers as of late, who could probably be mistaken for a rotting banana giving a film review, we hand in our audio report card for the movie. Yuan Xiaochao takes lead in this one. Not bad for your first movie Yuan Xiaochao... Or is it...?

The other film for this review has nothing to do with martial arts or revenge, and its definitely not Ethan Hawke's first lead role. An overly-dedicated horror writer decides to move his family into a house haunted by an (ahem ^_^) sinister figure, thought to have some connection with the deaths of the previous inhabitants. Like any sane old father would do, he finds films evidence of horrible happenings after he moves into the house, which the sheriff urges him not to do. Then, shiznit gets real. Sinister, comes off as another perfunctory haunting horror movie to those of us feeling a little... overwhelmed by the amount of films like this coming out now. I was initially inclined to view it with a more skeptical eye because of this, however, Nick and James seemed to be sold on the trailer and creeped out by both the it and the film. Ex-Senator and Law and Order Alumni Fred Thompson randomly shows up in this, too. No, not playing the part of a United States presidential candidate who suddenly takes interest in a house in some Podunk town, but as a sheriff. Hey Fred, trust me, doing this and syndicated television shows is better than that Oval Office job you were pining for. That job is not the tits.

lol @ Ol' Dirty Bastard living through Russell Crowe in this movie.

Now, I know what this reminds me of... Kung-Fu Hustle anyone?

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Beyond the Mat, we Raised Cain who may have Died with John at the End.

• March 20th, 2013

Hey all!

We watched the John Lithgow psycho movie Raising Cain. Personally, I like John Lithgow. His character pretty much made the fourth season of Dexter. As for Raising Cain, one of his earlier endeavors in 1992. We sort of knew that this would be a wacky movie, especially from the trailer. Turns out, there is so much wrong with this movie, that a list here would take up the character space for my post. So, with that said, tune in to see what we thought about this incoherent wack-fest.

Okay, this is also an episode where we tackle our first documentary. It was so compelling that it only seemed right to include a review for it. Beyond the Mat is a documentary made in the late 1990s. It covers a few old school well-known wrestlers, such as: the indestructible Mick Foley, legacy wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts, and legend Terry Funk. This documentary centers on these three wrestlers lives and struggles with their careers, and at times it gets intensively real. Meanwhile, as a sort of wrap-around story, a few aspiring wrestlers are followed from the bottom to their tryouts for the WWE. See what we thought about this revealing documentary which shows you how real the life of professional wrestlers can be.

Finally, we have reviewed what is probably one of the best contemporary B-movies since... since... Hobo with a Shotgun? Django Unchained? No that doesn't count, that was clearly an A-movie. It's called John Dies at the End. It's got Paul Giamatti and Clancy Brown in it. There's a bunch of weird and random funny stuff going on in it, from meat creatures, psycho powers, hallucination-inducing drugs, aliens and possession to funny monologues from a cop. This movie is ridiculous and utter nonsense, but the delivery is sweet. See what we rated it.

Damn this movie could have been better. Oh well. At least there's this awesome song by some guy named Bruce Springsteen, which is 10 times better.

Haha, the guitarist seems to be rocking a wave cap. Classic.

Shit gets really real in this documentary. Its really sad to see what became of Jake the Snake, he was one of my favorite wrestlers as a kid.

If you are watching the beginning of this movie and you are saying "WTF?," then, yes, you are the only one who can't figure it out and you should be ashamed. /sarcasm

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The Coveted Video Nasties Episode!!! Xtro, Inferno, Cannibal Apocalypse

• February 26th, 2013

We have done the unthinkable!

Here in this episode we bring you three movies from the Video Nasties list, most definitely banned in Britain at one time. Why were these movies banned? We try to discuss the reasons we think so at length here, and whether we see it as justified or not? Should these movies have been completely banned? Does freedom of speech and film expression have its limits? Find out now in this episode where we cover a cannibal movie with a Vietnam Vet subtext, a blatant Alien and E.T. ripoff with a terrible story line, and our first review of a witch movie (part of a trilogy) directed by famed Italian horror director Dario Argento!

And now for the trailers: The Inferno, Xtro, and Cannibal Apocalypse.

So this is why Dario Argento is revered... awesome cinematic effect in this one.

Should Xtro have been banned for the birth scene? Meh... You think if anything, adults would be able to handle it seeing as they tend to have children a lot, lol. On the other hand, would I be unreasonable to suggest that a movie with a craptastic plot should be banned? Hm.

Ah, a Vietnam Vet film. Well, I understand that maybe some of the trailer shots may have been shocking to the Upright Citizens Brigade of America at the time. I find it hard to believe that anyone else found most scenes to be anything more than beefy-bean-burrito-pants-shittingly-hilarious, rather than scary. All the stereotypical exploitation movie themes are essentially here, including an unclear plot written by a man clearly on drugs. Must have been swimming in coke for this one.

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Bad Children, Convicts, and Warlocks

• January 28th, 2013

An extra dose of awesome is served in this episode,as we review three movies: Children of the Corn, Warlock 2: The Armageddon, and The Running Man. Listen in, as we bring you the verdict on these three oldies.

As you already know, Julian Sands aka "the Son of Satan," was a riot in the last Warlock, but does this one live up to its greatness?

Anyone who knows about the Governator should know about The Running Man already, and if you haven't seen it, drop what you're doing and go watch it now, it is obscenely good.

As far as Children of the Corn goes, lets just say that it has sequels for good reason... yeah... religious overtones in horror movies. You gotta love it!

Tommy

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Django and Stake Land

• January 5th, 2013

Back with an episode for the new year!

In this episode, we take on two stunning films. First one up: the creative vampire apocalypse film: Stake Land from 2010. A young boy inadvertently teams up with a middle-aged man, in order to find a safe haven and survive the degradation of the United States, roving with rabid, uncouth vampires. They also have to deal with a crazy and dubiously religious cult. Are you tired of vampires, yet? Well, before you close the book on the age old legend forever, you may want to watch this film. Its awesome: I put it up there with 30 Days of Night.

In other news, a German bounty hunter offers a 19th century slave in America freedom, in exchange for his help to identify a bounty with a high return: see what we have to say about the new film by quirky director Quentin Tarantino, titled Django Unchained, starring a slew of A-list favorites like Jamie Foxx, Leonardo Di Caprio, Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, and a great performance by Christoph Waltz.

What's the verdict on this film? It has been getting rave reviews, but has the hype really been sufficient? Is it one of the best movies of the year? Is the controversy surrounding the film concerning Spike Lee's feelings and other reviewer's sensitivity at the use of the so called "N-Word" something to be concerned about? Or are these people acting like a bunch of five-year old kids trying to make sure you miss out on one of the best movie experiences of the year?

Tune-in, as our guest-reviewer Felix joins in on this episode.

If you are wondering, yes, this film is a blood-bath, as is customary of Tarantino films. Oh, and Sam Jackson says "Motherfucker," too.

Stake Land. Sounds like a great name for a restaurant and theme park catered to bovine-food enthusiasts. Wait a minute...

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The Christmas Horror-Sode

• December 26th, 2012

The Christmas Episode, coveted and given to you in good haste.

Happy Whateveryoucelebrate, and enjoy our reviews, sans James. Who is working harder than a one-legged stripper in Miami on Spring Break Weekend. Perhaps he will return in a future episode.

One you should definitely see, the other, avoid at all costs.

First we have Saint, from 2010, a Dutch Christmas Horror film where Saint Nick comes back to exact revenge for his untimely death.

The second is Rare Exports, another 2010 film, a Finnish Christmas horror story where Santa Claus is an ancient demon who kidnaps, punishes and eats bad children.

Pretty intense stuff.

An angry undead church official decides to destroy mankind with his army of undead viking supermen. What more could you want? Well... a good movie for starters.

Definitely the feel-good horror Christmas flick of the year.

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The Leviathan in the Sleeping Car, Which Was Eaten By the Leviathan

• December 15th, 2012

Hello all,

We are here again, school is out (what a relief), and its time for another episode. this time we thought we hit up an oldie-goldie and an obscure slasher flick as well. This episode we have the 1989 deep sea survival-horror flick called Leviathan, with Peter Weller (aka Robocop), Ernie Hudson (yes Winston from Ghostbusters), Richard Crenna (Rambo Series), and Meg 'her eyes stare deep into your soul' Foster. A group of people involved in deep sea mining find a sunken Russian vessel with an above top secret sentient substance on board.

Then, there is the 1990 slasher The Sleeping Car, starring a bunch of people I honestly don't know. Sike. Its David Naughton from American Werewolf in London, coked up Jeff Conaway from Grease (lol), Kevin McCarthy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and more. A couple of teenagers have sex in a train car and a sexually-repressed conductor gets pissed off. He goes out to give them the shame talk, and leaves his train unattended when another train comes his way for a head on collision. He bails out alive and the others die. Then, I guess, he is affected for the rest of his life and now his ghost haunts a particular piece of furniture in a train car, which is being rented out by an old lady. Also, there is an interesting neighbor.

Check it out, more stuff to come, unless we suddenly figure out that all the New Age tin-foil-hat nutcases are right, and the world ends a week from now and the POTUS suddenly sprouts Tim Curry Legend devil horns.

You can find more movie review antics for our group at our auxiliary website:

http://cultmoviecabal.wordpress.com/

Cheers and such.

I gotta admit, Six-Pack kind of made up part of the movie for me.

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The Burning Dredd!!!

• October 27th, 2012

Here's a new mini-episode, where me and Nick tackle an old classic horror-flick called The Burning and the brand new incarnation of Judge Dredd, Dredd 3-D, sans Sly Stallone and Rob Schneider.

Does Karl Urban hold it down in the new film?

Tune-in!

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Analysis of Dark Knight, the Hunger Games, Tremors, etc…

• September 1st, 2012

Hey guys we are back!

Today we bring you the reviews for The Dark Knight Rises, the Hunger Games, Tremors, and Grim Prairie Tales.

This was actually recorded earlier but had to be postponed due to technical difficulties among other things.

We are sure that most have already heard about the Dark Knight Rises and The Hunger Games by now, but we wanted to give our own analysis about whether we thought the movies were as good as people said they were. They are both very hyped-up box office films.

Personally, I liked both The Dark Knight Rises (and the Hunger Games) a lot and thought they were remarkable summer movies, but as you will see for this review, not everyone was impressed with the film direction.

As for Tremors, we decided it was best to review what could possibly be one of the greatest western horror monster movies of all time. If you have not yet seen this movie... you should do it... immediately.

Finally we took a look at another western horror anthology called Grim Prairie Tales, which is such a rare movie that it is hard to find a trailer for it via YouTube. It stars James Earl Jones and Brad Dourif, both men meet each other during travel across the frontier. Basically, a bounty hunter trades stories of horror with a businessman on the way to see his wife. There is at least one scene in this movie which is known for one of the most shocking WTF moments possibly in the history of anthology movies.

Anyway, enjoy!

There are four different trailers to this movie, here is the one that I thought was the best, because it gave me the goosebumps when I saw it, which means the advertising department who put it together was doing its job well that day.

Stop being a hater, just pick it up and watch the first 15 minutes and see what happens. lol.

Yeah I said it, best western-horror monster movie of all time.

Yes, that is James Earl Jones in the background. Hm. I just noticed something, this isn't the first time I've seen him in the sky...  Now, where was that...

... oh yeah...that's right... "Remember who you are..."

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Barbarians, Psychotic Beefcakes, Superheros, and Short Bandits, Oh My!

• July 7th, 2012

Okay, doesn't have quite the same ring as the Wizard of Oz quote, but whatever.

We have a megalithic episode this week as James, Nick, and I get back together in full gear (after quite a while) to discuss the flicks we pulled out of last episodes B-Movie Grab Bag: Ator, with Miles O'Keefe and The Destroyer with Lyle Alzado. The former is a hilariously bad barbarian fantasy movie with hilariously bad acting and special effects. Guy gets his sister, soon-to-be wife stolen at a marriage celebration, who turns out not to be his sister after all (whew!). Then he goes on an adventure to save his wife from a Ninja Turtle bad guy reject The Spider King. The latter is a supernatural prison horror flick (maybe one of the few of its kind) starring an old NFL player. A psychotic beefcake who was once on death row and electrocuted "returns" wielding a jack-hammer in an abandoned prison with his creepy-ass janitor pops, who seemingly cannot be killed. Moreover, the man is picking off a hapless Hollywood B-movie crew, filming (what else?) a crap-tastic movie about a women's prison. Sounds like fun doesn't it? The results are... shocking?

As for the last two, they were just randomly picked. Time Bandits was checked out by suggestion from both Nick and James (I'd never seen it myself), and it turned out to be a crazy history/fantasy mash-up. Of epic proportions? Perhaps. What other movie can you witness bumbling midget bandits opening portals while meeting Napoleon, the people of Crete, an Ogre king at sea, and the devil himself, stealing the world's most coveted treasure, while running away from God. Well, um none. Sean Connery makes an appearance and the voice of the Supreme Being is played by Tony Jay, whom you may not recognize but I do having played the Soul Reaver series and watching a few documentaries about serial killers like Albert Fish and H.H.H. Holmes. Some of you may have even grown up hearing his voice in every other cartoon you've watched, like Tales Spin, Gargoyles, The Fantastic Four and Reboot. Anyway if you can't tell, I admire his work greatly, and it's not mentioned, much to my regret in the episode (so many movies to review), but he is surely a great contributor to what makes movies and such awesome. R.I.P. to the voice of Shere Kahn, Galactus, Megabyte, The Elder God, and The Supreme Being.

Finally, we have Super. Many of you may have walked past this movie time and again and thought nothing of it. You should go pick it up. Why? Well, as we all know, the hot in thing to do for Hollywood, is to cash in on superhero movies. Think about it... every time you turn around, there is another movie about some douche in a cape who suddenly has the luck of getting kick-ass powers, or in the case of some caped crusaders, just happens upon someone who is more than willing to financially or physically aid them in their quest to "clean up the streets." And there's that thing called revenge, too.Well, that's what this movie is pretty much about. Its got Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Kevin Bacon and Liv Tyler. We picked this one because it has a reputation of taking a disturbing turn on the whole superhero genre. Some say it is no different than Kick-Ass, but is it really? Find out in this episode...

If TL;DR: there are a bunch of crazy movies we are going to review... enjoy!

Before He-Man there was... Ator?!?!

Sadly, and predictably, there is not trailer on YouTube for this movie, but here is the nifty cover we are talking about in the episode.

This has to go down in history as one of the most original movie trailers ever. The guy is getting interrupted while he is introducing the movie, lol!

Do not make the mistake of renting this for your six-year old nephew. However, if he is seventeen and he is thinking of becoming a superhero when he grows up, rent it and consider a life saved? lol!

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